To my dream, my identity:

When it started sinking into me, that I lost you, I realised is not about losing the dream itself, it is about loss of an identity, loss of self-awareness, loss of self-care, loss of self-consciousness.

In this deepest depression phase, I can't recognize myself anymore, I stopped caring for myself, I stopped consoling myself, I was not aware of my being sad, I slapped myself hard when it got any positive ray of

hope, I just ignored my weeping, my restlessness. I deprived myself of dreaming any more, of realising the pending dreams as they meant nothing any more.

All this, till my pillow told me last night and tried to console me , telling me that I am crying to it too much and I should start taking care of myself.

Me to my pillow: I don't care!!

I am devoid of any more courtesy for myself, any strength to offer to myself, I just don't want to make myself feel good. I don't feel like making any attempt.

So, I did not lose just you, I lost myself and am crippled to recover myself back, forget about any effort to recover you back!!

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Dreamt this on Wednesday, April 21, 2010 in dream, love

Don’t make me say it, Don’t ask me for my opinion, don’t ask me for my decision, you don’t need to know,

But I just can't let you go.

With whom can I be so sure that I don’t have to say anything about how I am feeling and just perfectly knows it,

With you only, and I just can't let you go.

I dreamt, I prayed and wished with all my heart,

For this, and I lived my dream, but now my heart can't let it go midway.

I can see your love for me, your concern, your unrest in your voice.

I can't live to see you like this, but when my conscience tells me that letting you go can help you and put you in some kind of rest, then my heart painfully consents to make you suffer.

I haven't told you all this, not because I am not able to,

But because I know that you know it perfectly and any attempt to voice to you, will lose its value.

Why does God answer my prayers partly?

Go tell Him, that I won't let you go.

I am being selfish, I know, but for some reason , Don’t go away.

Please don't go away.

Don’t give up hope. Believe and we will be fine.

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Dreamt this on Thursday, December 03, 2009 in feeling, love, relationships

The pain I was going through doesn’t pain as much when I think that it pains more for you? It is the pain you can hear, you can feel, but not see.

I never knew it was possible to feel extremely depressed and filled with deep mirth when the dream you were living, the prayer you were saying gets answered.

I haven’t missed anyone in life, as much as I have missed you in the last 2 weeks.

I saw you in every post I wrote, I dreamt some dreams in some posts, I missed you so much in some as I erased some boundaries in my circles.

I discovered my own inner self, where I learnt not to voice my most grieving moments to anyone else than my pillow. For once, I felt, this grief is best told to none and I felt the pain am going through is nothing compared to yours.

I started this blog as a Dreamy blog to give vent, words to my dreams , today I come back to it after very long to ask the dreamer in me, if my life’s dream going take shape or crumble into pieces?

I can’t ask you just because I know it pains you more than it pains me. It is heart wrenching to hear a patience-personification shatter into low self-confidence levels and sounding so depressed and to think I am the reason for the unrest among your dear ones. In the years we have known each other, I have never heard you like this.

I never knew that it is possible not to get angry at somebody whose decision is not favorable to you, whose beliefs you don’t comply with and whose beliefs might mean a end of our cherished dream.

No courtship, no fights, but it was LOVE all the way and the reason was LOVE itself and silent admiration for each other.

The writer in me, the lover in me, the strength in me, the weakness in me, the mad-woman in me, I have seen it all. The entire month of posts all dedicated to you. Love you heaps.

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Dreamt this on Tuesday, December 01, 2009 in love